Time tells many stories, with multiple scenarios, but only one outcome for this hopeless romantic.
I could never get enough of her. The way she filled my soul with positivity, the way she smelled after cuddling all night, that look she got when she caught me staring at her in a daze of love, even the way she argued… I never felt more comfortable with myself, than when I was with her. She baked with such passion that every bite had you begging for more, even when you were about to burst.
I was and still am in love, but unfortunately when you start noticing too many red flags, there’s a time to gather the memories and save the love for yourself, whether it’s your decision or not.
For a few months, her and I individually knew the expiration date was upon us and fast approaching. Small arguments here and there became more and more prevalent, yet we stayed together. Why? Quite a few reasons, but mostly…
We were still deeply in love with our best friend.
We tried communicating our fears, hopes, expectations, annoyances, etc etc, but one thing was missing… Effort. She asked me to listen more intently. Not a shameful request. Her feelings and ideas were important, not just to her, but also to me. I loved hearing about her day at work, her memories of high school and friends, her troublesome past, and everything else in between and around the corner, but she needed to be heard for the moment as well.
I’ll admit, when she first brought this to my attention, I wanted to make it right by just flipping a switch and being that better listener, but I didn’t understand how to fix this, since I didn’t understand how I wasn’t listening. The second and third times she pointed out my flaw, I began to feel attacked, because how could I listen any more intently without literally writing every single word down; which I had been doing – writing notes. The fourth time, I simply argued back, “This is who I am, take it or leave it”, but that’s not how I truly felt.
I wholeheartedly wanted to make this right for her, make her feel 100% appreciated and adored, because that’s how I felt towards her. She was my idol, my partner, my “Otter-half”. She deserved to feel secure about her man’s love. It wasn’t about the gifts, surprises, or abundance of time together… It was about the quality of each passing moment; I see that now, with perfect hindsight.
The lesson I truly needed to figure out was, “listening to understand, rather than listening to respond”, but I’m not there yet.
It’s not fair to her to make her be patient and wait. She deserved to be embraced fully and i missed pieces. Admittedly, I’m upset with myself for failing on such a wonderful woman, but these lessons were the consolation prize to take and share with the next chapter of my life.
Do I wish for her happiness? Daily.
Do I dream of her? Nightly.
Do I want to make things work with her? Yes and no. She’s a fierce friend. Someone you can trust your life with and she completely trusts you. Yet, her and I just don’t have the same life goals.
Do I hope to meet someone exactly like her? Absolutely! She taught me a way of thinking and seeing the world in such a positive way, and I’ll forget to be grateful.
We hope to be close friends once again, given a little distance, but until then I will do what my Mom used to always say, “Send them love and send them away”. I will always love her for being the right woman at the right time, for all the right reasons, but not my end all be all; as much as it hurts to say.
– Hopeless Romantic, 31