So. How it began. I was in New Zealand. I have gone here because I had been struggling with the lost of my brother. He had died in August, and I was broken and just showing up to classes. I needed something to look forward to, and every time I have traveled, I have met kind people.
I had booked a hostel for a few days and I showed up in Aukland. I was interested in exploring, and it was right before new year’s. I had gone out a few times to bars and what not.
The day I met her, I had gone on an adventure, and came back to the hostel. I say a girl that a homeless mans was harassing and starting talking to her. I can easily dominate a conversation, and rescued her from the awkward situation. After we left, I started talking to her, more and this lasted a few hours. We decided to go get some beers and ended up in a park. We tried to have sex in the park, but he sitting in the grass, she was getting eaten alive buy bugs. So we went back to her private room. She really liked me right off the bat. I found out, I was the 2nd person she had ever been with, and so I really important to her. Her first time she did not like, but she really enjoy the 2nd experience. She had a lot of social anxiety, so I guess it made dating hard for her, and I noticed her and that mattered a lot to her too.
She wanted me to stay with her, in her private room, so I did. She was going on a bus tour, and I decided to go on one as well. We were going on different ones, and headed different directions. I had bought a bike, and I had let her use it, as my bus tour left before her. It was the last time I saw her for about 6 months.
I have always been awkward when it comes to dating and women I am interested in dating. I was drunk on night, and remembered her, so I messaged her, how I remember the times we had and the fun we had. She responded, telling me that she thought about those times much since then. I came up with the idea of me going to go visit. And I bought a ticket to Germany, where she was from for Fall break, as I was still in school.
AS we talked more and more as the date drew near, she told me that is we were to date long distance, she wanted to be better, and reassure about it. We decided that if we got engaged, it would be a stronger then just dating long distance. I found her an really pretty handmade ring, with her favorite stone and proposed when we were in the airport parking garage. I was really nervous, and just gave her the ring. It was not a big deal, she told me that they do not do this kind of thing really in Germany.
The trip went well, I have a hard time remembering most of it, but we were sad to say good bye.
I remember, and with each time we had to say good being more and more sad. I know she was half temtped to not take me to the airport so I would not leave. Back home, I was going through a lawsuit. I had been hit by a truck and crushed into a car in front of me a few years before this. It was not an option for me to just elope, though I was tempted.
My memories are blurry, but we spent 10,000 euros traveling back and forth, and on the trips via activities. The lawsuit, we had to settle. It was not that I was not hurt, but they were trying to twist every action to say I was not. My lawyer was worried as it was not a sure thing, that it might be difficult trial. This added even more stress to our relationship. If we had won, I would have been able to get my medical done there and live there, but in settling, that dream started to die.
I did my 2nd to last trip to Germany. I got to meet friends of the family, and her family loved me. We skyped so we could see each other. We even tried to be intimate with each other too, but even then I things started to become distant. I bought her an Xbox so we could play Minecraft together. She would mostly use it for Netflix, but I was happy that she could see when I was online and message and skype with me.
AS things continued, we started having fights. Usually close to when I had to leave. She is bilingual, and pretty good at English. I am not. I took a class once, tried to learn, but not good at it. This trip I was there for a few months. I had brought my Xbox, and I would play while she was in class and I had gotten a lot of friends that I would play with.
This started causing a rift. She saw how easily it was for me to socialize and meet new people, but she was feeling left out. I am partially at fault here. I loved being in Germany, but it was hard for me to be in a place where I struggled so much to communicate with people. I would try, get overwhelmed, and grow more reclusive. My friends on Xbox live were English speaking and in England. She became jellouse how easy it was for me to talk to them but struggled there.
It was not my intent. As time went on, we slowly came the realization that relocating to Germany was going to be very difficult, if not impossible for me. I have a degree in PhotoJ and almost 2 other degree, one in business and the other in Biology. I did not have the skill transition to a new country where English is not the launauge that most people speak. I was worried I would not find a job, and her parents would have to support us. The rifts were widening.
After 2 months, I had to go home. I was starting be become numb. I was very sad that I go home. Saying good bye became harder and harder.
The next summer I went to go visit her for a few weeks. And then the next spring she came to see me, and then the next summer she came here again. Like I said, it all gets blurred together. But the gaps between seeing each other in person became longer and longer, the good byes harder and harder. At one point, she wanted me to get a pet, I got a kitten and she hated him. My cat was not very nice, but he was mine and it saddened me that tough he was not perfect she wanted him to run away.
This summer of 2015 was my last trip to Germany I think. We went on trips and had fun, but we fought too. I remember she wanted me to go to see a castle. We had already scene many castles, and I wanted to swim at the lake. So we did our own thing. We came together to ride a bikes around the lake, but fought then too.
After we got back to Heidelberg, we fought again, but this time I got her to work with me. We started doing bike rides. We started sharing coming interested and working together, struggling through an endeavor and becoming better together. A second win.
That was summer 2015, we did not get to see each other till spring/summer of 2016. We had been fighting now with skype. I did not like fighting, so started to avoiding chances to have conversations.
This was the last trip. I took her to explore Colorado. We went to the sand dunes, to paint mines, and a few other things. We did have fun, we road bikes more. We did sometimes split off and do our own thing. I was taking had been taking German class now for 1.5 semesters now. She actually would come to class and help us with it, even though it was against school policy.
When it was close to time to say good bye, things slowly disappeared. We had not game plan for the future. We did not know when we would see each other again. She wanted to do another school program, which meant I had to wait for her to finish 2 more years of school. I felt that if that was the case, I should finish my 2 Degrees, so I can have options. Everything starting to pointing that it is more then we can fight for and we are running out of energy to fight for it. I remember wanting to have sex the last night she was here and she did not want to. It was then that I kind of knew it was over. This good bye was just as hard as every other goodbye we had.
Not having sex before she was she regretted almost instantly. She messaged me when she landed. She regretted it and she had realized, that she was the one who gave up first. We talked for a few months afterwards, and we still talk, but it was in august that we, mostly I, that we could not see a path forward. It was sad, it was too much to keep fighting. I hate to give up, even under impossible odds, I will fight, but not alone. One alone cannot rekindle the love.
A few months later, when the FUBAR election happened, I was ready to sell my condo and do whatever was needed to rekindle what we had. I never truly give up, I may retire from the fight, gather my strength again and try again later.
But the spark was gone. She told me it would be a bad idea, and it was not worth moving to Germany. This was when I realized, that it was a fools dream, and we were dammed from the start. In many of the misfortunes that had happened, we needed a few wins where we had losses to have made it work.
Some things to also consider that I did not go into detail earlier.
I do have faults, too. I am messy, my place is always chaos. And that will not change. I did screw up too. When we first started long-distance dating, I did not know it would succeed, I thought it was crash and burn like many of my previous dating experiences. I slept with someone in the early days of the relationship, and when she asked I told her the truth. She forgave me, but wanted me to wear a ring too. I did, all the time, even in the shower.
I also wanted to start a family. I am 32 now, and she is 24. She told me that should wanted to at the beginning, but as time went on, it was not a priority , to it was not on the list of things she wanted. Having a child of my own is really important to me, not wanting children is a deal breaker.
And maybe her being that young was also a problem. It takes time to know what you want and what is important to you. I remember when she told me that she did not want to be married, because she did not want people to feel bad that she was married young. What is the point of being engaged then?
Some of my final thoughts are that we did have amazing time, when things were good. Many good things did come out of this. I had an ally when I was broken and struggling. I am more grown up now too, but it cost me. I lost 3 years of my life, though I needed to heal form, and I would have been a mess without her. I now feel old, that I am now thirty, and broken. I am not in my 20s and it is hard being single now. I do not know how to connect and so much has changed. We are still friends too. I still study German. I know we are not getting back together no matter when fortune comes my way and I am ok with that. Just now, I am loss of what do I do now.
Many of my dreams and hopes, at best, it would take 2 years to start a family, making me 52 when the first is an adult. I do not have time to, neither the energy that I did when I was younger to fail at dating again. I am fatigued and weathered. I am doing infinitely better than I was back then before I met her. I am too tired to try again. It is going to have to be them trying for me. They can bang my head into the wall, I do not have the energy to do it myself.